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Ok.. this will be boring as hell
Hai! Selamat datang ke rancangan mari melalut dan meraban seperti Khairi Jamaluddin (siapa babi negara? Cakap sama saya siapa babi negara!) . Minggu ini kita akan meletakkan kanta pembesar sinikal saya pada drama-drama TV yang semakin banyak jumlahnya. Kalau kamu buka tv sekarang dan buka stesen TV melayu, kebarangkalian kamu untuk menonton sebuah drama ialah 70%. Kebarangkalian untuk drama tersebut adalah sinetron negara jiran pula ialah 80%. Lets go a bit further shall we? The probability untuk drama tersebut ada cewek indo yang hot pula adalah 100%. Malangnya kebarangkalian untuk plot drama tersebut adalah original, relevan atau masuk akal pula hanyalah 5%. Last but not least kebarangkalian untuk kemunculan seekor pari-pari dalam drama tersebut adalah fifty fifty! Ah bermatematik pula saya dipagi rabu ini! Maafkan ya tapi saya sebenarnya tiada idea sangat nak menulis jadi saya selitkan figures and percentages untuk pad this useless entry! Hey I’m being honest here kids!
Kembali kepada topic cliché dan drama melayu yang aku perasan dan kadang kala buat aku emo.
Monolog Panjang Lebar
Kenapa dalam drama bahasa melayu mesti ada kerekter jahat bermonolog secara panjang lebar. Biasanya monolog ini muncul ketika si karekter asshole ini berfikir tentang cara terbaik untuk menyusahkan hero/heroin drama. Paling tak boleh blah bila masa scene monolog, pelakon mesti tersenyum lebar sepanjang masa dan buat muka poyo;
“Haha, aku akan pastikan Datin Zarina dan Kayajuta Holdings akan ranap dalam masa terdekat ni. Aku dan Jeff akan ambil alih syarikat itu bila Datin jatuh bankrap nanti.hu hu ha ha ha….”
(kamera zoom in kat muka dan pelakon buat eksperisi muka jalang kalau dia perempuan.Kalau pelakon lelaki buat muka poyo miang keladi.Kalau tak tahu camne muka poyo miang keladi sila lihat foto dibawah)
Does this face make you want to defecate in his mouth?
M Rajoli – Guru Ajaran Sesat
Di Malaysia banyak pelakon whose career is built around playing a specialised character. M Rajoli is the go to guy if you are looking to cast a deviant religious leader in your drama. In almost all his portrayal of deviant religious leader he will show his horniness. If Malaysia ever thought of shooting a Dragonball movie I know M Rajoli will make a good Dato’ Kame! Ha ha ha. Sepanjang 20 lebih tahun aku hidup memang tak ada orang lain yang boleh berlakon jadi guru ajaran sesat macam M Rajoli.Malangnya M Rajoli sekarang terlantar di hospital akibat mengidap lymphoma. That’s a form of brain cancer guys! He would probably die in the next few years.The question here is, when he dies who would take over his mantle as the Malaysia’s premiere horny cult leader actor? I can't see Aaron Aziz or Ashraff Sinclair taking over anytime soon.
Inappropriate Slow Mo..
Aku peminat John Woo. Dalam filem dia wajib ada scene slow motion masa adengan tembak menembak. Kalau kamu ada masa sila sewa atau beli DVD filem Face Off. Dalam filem tu ada satu adengan tembak menembak dalam apartment yang awesome gila babi. Semua orang yang mati kena tembak mati secara slow mo (this one prostitute got shot in the chest.She rolls over backward into a bar and you can see her panties! Thanks slow mo! ). Dalam drama melayu slow mo tak digunakan dalam babak aksi. Sebaliknya slow mo digunakan dalam babak terkejut;
Contoh;
Anuar dan Sayful sedang meliwat dan bercengkerama didalam bilik kondominium mewah (di Damansara Heights) milik Sayful apabila secara tiba-tiba isteri Anuar mengkantolkan kegiatan seks luar tabii mereka
Ajijah – “ Ya Allah! Abang!!!”
(Camera zoom in ke muka Ajijah secara slow mo….boleh nampak mata Ajijah terbeliak secara perlahan-lahan. Kamera sekarang zoom ke atas katil. Zoom pula kemuka Anuar dan Sayful secara slow mo juga)
Right after this scene WAJIB terus ke commercial break! Terus iklan Kopi Radix atau Gelang Edymium.Kadang kala dalam satu episode ada 3 scene macam ni. Actually penggunaan slo mo untuk babak tergezut ni dibawa oleh pengarah india. Diorang yang start guna slow mo dan extreme zoom in terus ke muka ni. Perbezaan utama yang aku boleh nampak antara produksi India dan Malaysia hanya satu
Dalam drama india masa zoom in muka awek terkejut tadi, awek tu mesti mata dah meleleh dah merah.Ini diikuti oleh music track orang perempuan menyanyi dengan penuh kesedihan ( AAA AAA AAA AA AAA AAAA aa aaa aaaaaa <--camni la lebih kurang lirik dia..) Di malaysia takda.
Dah itu aje for now. Aku sebenarnya tengah busy main PC Game. So that’s why macam malas je nak menulis! Blame it on Mass Effect! HO HO
p/s: busy busy busy.. baca buku main game! ha ha
Ages ago guv.. ages
Way back in '96 we had our farewell dinner a few weeks before SPM. The dinner was held at our Dewan Makan. The only real difference between this farewell dinner and our usual “ikan singgang” dinner are
1. We actually dress up and try to look half decent
2. Forth former serve us food instead of us lugging the heavy metal trays
3. The table is less oily than usual (hardly any fly!)
4. No stray cats with gnarly skin disease under our tables. there was this cat who is blinded on one eye. the left eye pops out due to infection.For a week or so he "terrorised" us at the Dewan Makan. Cool shit!
So that was our “cool” farewell dinner. When I look back at the photos, I can’t help but smile and I told myself “damn that was a really awesome night”. You want to know what is so awesome about that night? Read on!
After the dinner which ended at about half past ten (yeah gosh! 10.30 pm dowl! that is longer than prep malam) me and a friend of mine decided to go to the academic block to fetch some notes.As SPM neared no one dared wasting a night without revising on something. We were walking down the long covered corridor between the Dewan Makan and academic block when I spotted something bizarre about 50 feet in front of us. At the end of the corridor I saw a white figure hiding behind a column. The friggin thing didn’t even touch the ground and was hovering ominously behind said column. I looked at my friend as asked him;
“Bro.. lu nak lagi ke note Cikgu Hasmah?”
“Penting sial.. gua kena hafalkan mekanisma mitosis malam ni jugak”
“Ok ok.. gua rasa kita amik kanan kat sini kita pusing ikut blakang lab bio“
“Alright.. aku rasa ok idea ni”
Off we went through the biology lab so that we won’t have to meet the floating blob bastard. Essentially we are taking the long way around the school ground to get to our class. On retrospect what we did was kinda stupid since the most haunted place in school is the biology labs. There were stories about pregnant lady apparition and headless creatures lurking in toilet. But at that time we totally forgot about these stories since the actual “threat” was at the end of the covered corridor. We made “turtle track” all the way to the academic block to retrieve the notes. On the way back we chose a different route to teh hostel. The logic behind this was maybe the floating ghost is a brainy one and decides to surprise us at the biology lab if we walk through there. Pah! We are just trying to outwit this creature! Buat malu budak MRSM je kalau kena sergah secara predictable oleh hantu. That was one memorable farewell dinner. Good times… Good times
So why am I writing about a farewell dinner I had over a dozen years ago? Well my sister will be having her's this year and she dragged me to One Utama to get the supplies. Apparently the dinner will have a masquerade theme and she wanted to get a cool mask for her dinner attire. So I end up telling her the story above
“So what is the point of your story Abang? Your dinner is so lame and ordinary?”
Well adik, the moral is when I was your age a dinner is just a night where the menu is a bit grander (we had KFC instead of smelly singgang! LUXURY SIAL!) and we dress a bit nicer (instead of baju semayang maghrib/ prep malam).We have no time for fun and ended the “dinner” before 11 . We all then went back to the dorm to study and no floating apparition can stop us from revising about Mitosis that night! Now that was a bloody awesome farewell dinner!
p/s: yeah.. it's actually a shitty dinner. but the ghost bit makes it supa dupa
Lets just combine karaoke and guessing! that's a WINRAR formula!
I don’t really have much time to watch the telly these days but from time to time I would surgically excise myself from this keyboard for some telly time. I usually kept my channel surfing within the range of 551-555. If I’m really bored out of my mind I would venture out to 712 or 703. Yesterday was an exceptionally boring day and I found myself stuck on 104 (Astro Ria) and I was gob smacked by the shear idiocy on show. They are showing “Jangan Lupa Lirik!” (JLL) which is the localised version of “Don’t Forget the Lyrics!”. The premise of the show goes something like this. Contestants are required to complete a line from a song. If your lyrical IQ is up to scratch you can win RM 1,000,000.
Before JLL there was Who Wants to be a Millionaire (Millionaire). And before that we have other good general knowledge shows like Teka Ria and Angka-Angka. In all these shows no one ever won the top prize. If I am not mistaken the most someone ever won on Millionaire was RM 250,000. I won’t go out and say Malaysians are dumb. This is just isn’t true. My main gripe with Millionaire is the inconsistency of their questions. If you watched the US or UK version of Millionaire you can see that the questions in the show are localised. This means that they won’t ask a question about the history of Zimbabwe on either show. In the Malaysian show, the RM 500,000 question goes something like this;
Manakah diantara kapal berikut tidak ada didalam flotilla Christopher Columbus?
A)Nina
B)Pinta
C)Santa Maria
D)Santa Anna
Now how many of you guys learn about Chrissy Columbus's discovery of America in school? I don’t see how they can justify plugging North American history in a Malaysian show. Simply put they just don’t want anyone winning the million dollar price! This is akin to Regis Philbin asking the American contestants this question;
Who killed Altantuya Shariibu?
A) Najib C4
B) Rosmah Tua Vogue
C) Raja Petra Kamaruddin
D) Depends on who you ask!
In case you are wondering, the answer to both questions is D. HA HA
JLL is another example of the dumbing down of TV shows over the last ten years. In the US they have Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader. This show further enhances the stereotype of stupid American. Just Youtube the word “Stupid American” and you will laugh your ass off. Here we just bypass "Darjah 5" and went for the lowest common denominator which is crappy karaoke lyrics recalling game! Hey Malaysia why bother flexing your brain and learn about facts in Millionaire when you can learn about stupid rock kapak lyrics! Do you know that in the XPDC's “C.I.N.TA” ,after “ C.I.N.T.A K.I.T.A” the next line of the song is “Satu rasa” ? . Now you know! Please add 5 into your collective IQ now. It’s simpler and less taxing! We even put your favourite host Aznil Nawawi to entertain you!
‘Nuff said. Now please enjoy this song from Lupe Fiasco. It sums up the problem with entertainment industry these days wherever you may be.
Dejavu? Was it a glitch in the Matrix?
I woke up this morning and can't help but felt a sense of dejavu. Dato' Seri Anwar Ibrahim is again facing sodomy charges. This time a former aid (AIDS? lol) accuse DSAI of having buttsech with him.It is as if I woke up and it's 1998 all over again. Same allegation of sodomy was hurled on Anwar only this time he is older and my tummy is a wee bit bigger too. The old aging despot from Kedah is now replaced by an old clueless tin head from Penang. The economy is in a shit hole then and funnily enough it’s exactly the same today!
So I guess they are rehashing this accusation since it worked the last time. As the old saying goes "if it works why fix it?". It worked before so why not give it a try again eh. We all know what a bunch of homophobes we Malaysians are! Haha
Let’s take a look back to 1998. I was in England and having a jolly old time wasting Petronas money when I first saw THAT iconic picture of him. If Anwar dies today I bet THAT picture of him, fist in the air, neck brace clasping his neck and a solitary black eye will be his Che Guevara Kodak moment. Something in me snapped that day. Seeing a man I admired due to his awesome rhetoric skill, shackled and hauled into that court for his sham trial. That was the day the inner political rebel in me woke up. I’m quite sure I am not the only Malaysian who got his inner activist activated with a jolt that day. I guess I was lucky to be overseas at that time. The Times and Guardian were giving the Anwar trial acres of editorial space and Malaysian lapped it up. Interesting enough we could openly talk about the case in Malaysia Hall without fear of being prosecuted (The MH is right next door to Malaysian Student Department (MSD) office. There we rumours that the MSD would revoke your scholarship if you dare speak against Encik Mahathir back then.
Minister drops RTM rule
KUALA LUMPUR: RTM will focus on news, not personalities, to ensure Malaysians are kept well informed, Information Minister Datuk Ahmad Shabery Cheek said.
Speaking at a luncheon with senior media editors yesterday, Shabery said RTM would not continue with the practice of making the information minister the "No. 3 Man" in the order of news priority, after the prime minister and deputy prime minister.
Shabery said the mainstream media still had a major role to play though the current worldwide trend was to turn to alternative sources of information.
He disagreed with the notion that Malaysians turned to the alternative media as the mainstream media was biased.
"Even in advanced countries where the media is said to be more independent, the people still choose the alternative media," he said.
Shabery believed that a better approach in the way the media disseminated information would help the people understand issues such as the rising fuel prices.
"One of the factors the people did not support the Barisan Nasional in the just-ended general election is because they did not understand the issue and were taken in by opposition promises to lower fuel prices," he said.
"I will meet every media organisation in order for me and my colleagues in the ministry to know the challenges that should be given attention." -- Bernama
Dear Minister
How blind and lame can you be to even come up with these statements? How detached are you with the rakyat that you think the oil price issue is the crux of the BR’s success in the last election?
If you ask any enlightened (sorry but most people still voted for BN) Malaysian they will tell you that BN’s failure to secure the majority was down to the social injustice and rampant corruption under Abdullah Ahmad Badawi’s administration. That coupled with his public image as “Mr ZZZZ sleeping on the job” further shifted the votes in BR’s favour.
Stop making fool of yourself and report the truth. Haven’t the last election taught you anything about the virtues of transparency. Or would you like us bloggers to spell if out for you word for word and then put neon signs around it with green military strength signal smoke? I would do that if I have the funds. Unfortunately I am just a poor blogger and don’t have access to slush funds like your friends in UMNO.
Please for the love of god stop making idiotic statement man! Are you so keen on licking the current admins ass that you are slowly modelling yourself after “MC” Zam Maidin.
Furthermore we turned to alternative media since it is less intrusive. We can pick and choose which news we want to read. On your MSM (main stream media) we are forced to watch at least 10 minutes of propaganda before we can actually see some real news. My parents for example haven’t watched the news at 8 for nearly seven years now. The only time they watch the news is when there is a major accident or catastrophe. On a daily basis I see mom flicking through Animal Planet or AWANI for Iranian movies (dad in the other hand would rather listen to Kuliah Maghrib at our local mosque). To think that when I was a kid, the news at eight is so important that gramps would go berserks if we didn’t watch it. He would order us to turn on the telly. Then he will sat at his favourite chair (a good 15 feet away) and spend the next half an hour ingesting the news. All the time with the volume turned up to the 11 due to his poor hearing.(I miss granddad. Rest in peace Datuk)
How the mighty have fallen. How’s the advert revenue doing for you guys lately? Not very good I reckon. I hope all those Undilah Barisan Nasional adverts were paid before the election yes? If not ,I bet you lost some major advertisement spot to accommodate those propaganda videos. May I please know who directed them? Leni Riefenstahl,the famous NAZI filmmaker would be proud of your effort to push the message down our medulla oblongata.
Personally I don’t think the MSM will ever recover from the rise of alternative media. It’s not just down to rakyat’s hatred of propaganda mind you. It is also down to the changes in lifestyle. Most of us work in big cities and will only get back home around seven or eight. Young and hip people like me (ehem ehem) would probably jump onto the computer to surf some stuff up (sites that are banned from the office network yeah!). That would eat up at least an hour. Who got time to sit for an hour watching some chaps reading the news when we can get all that in 15 minutesof reading? .The only fella I think who got the time must be the “I GOT TIME” guy from ASTROMAX advert. If one subscribed to RSS feeds its even faster to get news as it happens. So who needs Bulletin Utama, Berita RTM or Nightline anymore? I certainly don’t. I no longer have a telly in my room since it’s a white elephant. The PC is all I need to get in touch with the real world
So please Minister of Information. Open up and try to make the MSM relevant again. Although I think you are doomed from the start. The surging tide of alternative media and internet will make TV obsolete. Its already happening in the USA (people TIVOed their TV shows and watch them at their leisure. Skipping news and advert in the process) and it will happen here soon as ASTROMAX introduced some competitive pricing schemes.
Honestly people. How many of you guys here still watch the Berita Jam 8 religiously? Anybody?
P/s: Thanks Datuk Ahmad Shabery for not trying to emulate Joseph Goebbels with your “no:3 man in the news” statement. Cheers
